Early Morning Alone

I am up early, and I am alone. It is wonderful. Quiet, peaceful, no one needing anything from me….

The King came home at 5 AM this morning after drinking at his friends house. My first reaction was anger. Then I thought about it, and my thinking is who really cares? He’s the one that will have the hangover, he’s the one that will suffer, not me, so why do I care? I guess I really don’t, as long as he is still able to get up and give our daughter the Daddy Daughter Day he promised her. The fact that I came to this conclusion within minutes of feeling angry makes me proud of myself – I’m learning to not need to control everything.

Today I will be more mindful and make an effort to live in the moment instead of in my head.  Today I will be a better person than yesterday.

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I had this thought last night…. I don’t feel comfortable in my body a lot of the time.  Not that I don’t think my body is good enough – I’m quite pleased with how I look – it’s more that I don’t feel like my body matches my mind.  I’ve been told that I’m tiny and cute and petite, but I really feel large and lumbering and awkward more than anything else.  Is this a psychological program left over from another life, or is it just a psychological dissonance in this one?  Interesting stuff.

On another note, my stepson is not here this weekend, and I am happy about that.  My stress levels compared to most weekends is considerably lower.  I do not feel tense at all.  It is Saturday morning, I stayed up too late last night and am tired, but I felt happy instead of irritated this morning when my daughter woke up.  Usually it would be her and her brother, and I would feel irritated.  Appropriate or not, that’s how it is.

Does my sister think I’m full of myself like she says?  Or is it gentle teasing?  If she does, do I care?  What am I doing or saying that gives that impression?   What people say or do has more to do with them than with me…. so what’s going on with her to make her say that about me?  Insecurity?  Jealousy?  Hmm….

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I have a hankering to watch a Jet Li movie. 

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No More Wasted Days

Today is my last hangover.  No more. 

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I’m having one of those weekends where my ss irritates me with every move he makes and every word he speaks.  Grrr.  I don’t want to feel like this. 

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I’m going to read this every day until it gets through my thick fucking skull.

Reblogged from http://www.2baware.net/relationships/forgiving-is-a-gift-to-yourself/

Susana Echeverria

forgiveness Forgiving is a gift to yourselfWhy do we need to forgive?

Forgiving is a gift we give ourselves, it gives us freedom from negative emotions and power to move on with our lives!

When somebody or something has caused us pain, we can be overwhelmed by anger, frustration and sadness and as time goes by, we can get stuck in a cycle of blame. The more we ruminate about what caused us pain, the more we let our negative emotions control our life, and by doing so, we lessen our quality of life.

To get to the point where we can really forgive and not be hurt anymore, we need to recognize our own power to change our feelings, expectations, and behavior.

Forgiveness is not about who caused the pain or why, forgiveness is about our own self, it is about breaking the negative cycle and regaining power over our life. About becoming stronger, not a victim.

Even though our feelings need to be validated and recognized, we can’t always depend on other people to validate them. If we receive an apology or a compensation from someone else for what they did to us, great!, but even if we don’t, it is possible to move on and to let go of the pain by forgiving.

Forgiving is about how we choose to deal with the anger and pain that someone or something has caused: we can let it ruin our lives or we can move on and thrive. We can make choices about how we want to live our lives, and by making the right choices, we can be free of grudges and unhealthy anger.

It is important to remember a couple of things:

– Forgiveness and Reconciliation does not necessarily mean the same, we can forgive, regardless of whether or not we can recover a relationship that has been damaged.

– Forgiveness is not about absolving wrongdoing, but rather about stopping the waste of energy that goes into resentment.

We have a choice to forgive or not forgive, we can determine what road we want to walk.

Here are a few tips to deal with resentment and hurt caused by what other people say or do to us:

It is important to remember that people are fallible and so are their perceptions, opinions, and actions. People don’t always intend to hurt us, sometimes people are incapable of behaving differently because of their own limitations; by accepting this fact, we can start by not taking things so personally.

If you find that you are constantly having negative feelings about something that happened in the past, try to clean up your mind every time negative thoughts arise by diverting them, not letting them take over you: going for a walk, listening to music, exercising, meditating, etc. whatever can quiet your mind will help, and you need to do it as soon as you start noticing negative thoughts.

Think about the ill effects of harboring resentment: you are probably missing good things that are happening in your life right now, you may feel unhappy and bitter, or your health may be faltering… Wouldn’t you rather let go of resentment for good?

If your pain is so strong that you can’t possibly forgive, don’t be afraid to seek help, professional help, to find a way out of the pain, you deserve better!

“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.” Hannah More

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